EARTH – Across the globe sales of champagne, a beverage commonly associated with celebrating good news, have spiked, with customers insisting it’s “not for any particular occasion” while simultaneously refreshing their phones’ newsfeeds for some reason.
“Sales of Veuve Clicquot, Dom Perignon, Moët & Chandon, they’re all through the roof! But, uh, who’s to say why, really,” remarked Anthony Jacobson, an alcoholic spirits retailer, as he kept one eye glued to a nearby TV screen playing CNN.
Jacobson added, “Wait, Breaking News! Oh, never mind, it’s just some hurricane. Anyway, like I said, everyone’s stocking up on the bubbly for a completely unspecified event.”
Market analysts report that the worldwide rush on champagne and other “celebration drinks” began precisely last Friday morning, and has continued through the weekend and into this week. Experts also speculate that any correlation between this stockpiling of party drinks with a sharp recent uptick in global news consumption “is likely a statistical anomaly”.
Retailers report that, in addition to champagne, sales have also jumped for items such as party hats, noisemakers, and loud jubilant music. These numbers have been reported worldwide, in Europe, Asia, Latin America, as well as the majority of the United States.
“Curiously, these items are all in demand despite it being nowhere near New Years Eve,” mused economist Celia Folgerman, of London. “Not to mention given the pandemic, large scale gatherings won’t be happening for some time. “It’s almost as if nearly every person on the planet is all waiting in anticipation of some wonderful news they can all celebrate independently and simultaneously,” the economist added.
Folgerman then glanced expectantly at his phone, and resumed drumming her fingers eagerly.
While the mysterious surge in celebration-related spending remains a mystery, experts predict it will be finite, lasting “no longer than, say, the life expectancy of a 74-year-old man with obesity and his chances of survival against an aggressive virus that he may or may not have ignored for months.”
Meanwhile, citizens around the world continue to buy up champagne in droves. “Always good to have some bubbly around,” exclaimed Hiro Sinzo, of Tokyo.
“If he kicks it, we celebrate, and if he survives, we drown our sorrows. But, also, I have no idea who I’m referring to here.”
