WINNIPEG – Local pitiful human being, Jordan Wright, 34, has cemented his status as a notably bleak man by announcing that he has discovered a new favourite flavour of potato chips.
“Oh God, he even posted about it on Instagram,” said Trevor Marks, coworker and nominal friend to Wright. The post, uploaded at 9:30pm on a Saturday night, read: “Think I’ve found a new favourite flavour of chips! Korean BBQ! Yum! #chips” The instagram post features an opened bag of chips, a bowl of said chips, and not a single human soul other than Wright.
“Oh God, he added more hashtags. #chiplife #foodie #hobbies. This is too sad to even give it a like,” added Marks.
Experts have determined that the chips in question are not imported, nor are they even particularly rare or notable. In fact, the Korean BBQ flavour is part of a discount potato chip brand sold exclusively at Walmart, thus increasing the sadness quotient of Wright’s announcement exponentially.
Sources also indicated that Wright’s depressing chip-endorsing behaviour is not pandemic-related, but in fact “just how he is all the time”.
“His previous favourite chips were Original Lays, non-ruffled,” added former girlfriend Letitia Thomas. “He would mention it, a lot.”
While Wright has long enjoyed a reputation for being the most dispiriting individual in his entire social circle, his recent “new favourite chips” post has led observers to acknowledge that he has plumbed previously-unimagined depths of hopelessness. Previous lowlights of Wright’s generally-pitiful existence include his habit of live-tweeting reruns of The Office, an entirely Dockers wardrobe, and a brief dalliance in livestream birdwatching.
“Jordan’s life is a nightmare,” added younger sister Marianne Wright-Parker, 31. “Just try to imagine having so little going on in your life that it occurs to you to identify a new brand of chips as ‘your favourite’, let alone to post about it to everyone that you know. I would check on him more, but I’m honestly worried my brother will infect me with whatever it is that makes his life such a sucking void.”
When reached for comment, walking black hole of hope Wright personally described himself as “a pretty happy-go-lucky guy.”
