CALGARY – After conducting an exhaustive longitudinal study of scientific research done over the last 60 years, scientists at the University of Calgary have officially confirmed that Clamato, the tomato clam cocktail, is both disgusting and delicious.
“It’s one of those counterintuitive scientific principles, like how a feather and a bowling ball will fall at the same rate in a vacuum,” said Dr. Agatha Marino, the head of the Faculty of Strange Beverage Studies at the University of Calgary. “Watered down tomato paste flavoured with clam broth is an objectively offensive gastronomic concept, and yet the resulting drink is, and we have now proven this scientifically, tasty as hell.”
Experts have been divided on the question of whether Clamato is more disgusting or more delicious for decades, with study after study examining how savory fruit paste mixed with mollusk juice could not only be palatable, but to some segments of the population, downright addictive. The popular conspiracy theory that claims Clamato was created by the CIA to test the population’s ability to accept cognitive dissonance was debunked in the 70s, but that hasn’t stopped the scientific community from continuing its inquiries.
“This result unravels much of our understanding of the universe in terms of quantum mechanics, as, unlike Schrödinger’s hypothetical cat, Clamato’s waveform is never forced to collapse. Clamato exists at all times in the quantum superposition of being both repellent and attractive,” said Dr. Marino.
Some philosophers believe that Clamato is proof that we live in a simulation or fictional world, as anything that delectable yet gross must be the product of a conscious mind attempting whimsy rather than the result of a well-designed universe created by either a loving deity or an impersonal set of natural laws.
“I don’t know if the contradictory nature of Clamato is proof that most religions and scientists are wrong about the essence of reality, I just know that despite its loathsome constitution, when I spot it in the grocery store I always buy it and it never lasts more than a day in my fridge,” Dr. Marino said, shuddering and licking her lips at the same time.
Now that the issue of Clamato has been settled, the scientific community is hoping to finally answer the other great beverage question of our time by finding out which energy drink contains the highest proportion of concentrated evil.
