CALGARY – A local theatre usher laid off during the beginning weeks of the COVID has discovered a new, exciting loophole to extend her vital pandemic benefits: animorphing into an oil and gas company.
“As a theatre employee, I knew I’d be in trouble once CERB ended,” tooted 42-year-old Candice Chan out of the smokestack where her human mouth used to be. “With no job to return to and no way to pay rent and feed my son, there was only one option.”
Fortunately, Chan was one of 6 children who was gifted animal morphing technology by an alien species back in the 90s. As the pandemic strained her financial situation, she knew it was time to come out of retirement.
“At that point, all I had to do was find an oil and gas company to touch,” said Candice. “And let me tell you, it’s way easier to hop the fence at Petro-Can as a frog.”
As soon as Candice touched the Petro-Canada facility, she was able to morph into a multi-billion dollar oil and gas company, and the federal government eagerly courted her with subsidies, bursaries, and grants to “help her through this difficult time.” And help her they did – after years of precarious income, Candice was finally able to make rent, buy groceries, and hide millions of dollars in offshore accounts.
“It was magical,” she added. “I mean, literally magical, obviously. But also magical in that really mundane way, where I was able to live comfortably and without financial anxiety for the first time in decades. And all I have to do is occasionally wage violent war with an alien species that’s hijacking the bodies of humans to take over the planet.”
Animorphs can spend a maximum of 2 hours in their morph, but Candice’s life improved so drastically that she chose to let the window lapse – meaning she’ll spend the rest of her life as a large talking oil refinery. It comes with some odd idiosyncrasies, including a newfound passion for polluting waterways and denying fault in industrial accidents. But she’s gained something else out of the trade: confidence, security, and a bright future.
“My son wished I had turned into a lizard,” She adds, puffs of toxic smog bellowing upwards in a way that could be interpreted as breezy laughter. “But hey, nobody’s perfect!”
