OTTAWA – The Canadian Government announced today that they are searching for a new benchmark country Canadians can compare to now that the situation in the U.S. has reached ‘this is fine’ meme levels.
‘We always liked comparing ourselves to America because of how good it makes us look,” said PM Justin Trudeau. “But now it kind of feels like an ok marathon runner comparing his time to a centipede that recently suffered a grievous injury. It’s just not fair.”
“What’s Ireland up to these days anyway?”
The decision to abandon the constant U.S. comparisons has been considered ever since Trump’s election. But after Canadian officials watched America’s incompetent response to the pandemic, the rise of QANON and that Alex Jones video where he screams at lifegaurds, the decision was made.
“They don’t even have the best basketball team anymore,” said one civil servant.
The selection process for our new comparison country could take months. Naturally Canada can’t select a country doing better than us since that would crush our fragile egos, so that rules out most of Europe and Asia. Britain is a strong contender given the Boris/Brexit thing, and some in the government are feeling “real good” about Brazil’s prospects.
“Personally my money is on South Africa. It has that history of colonization and racism that Canadians know well,” said another official.
The U.S. is unaware of Canada’s choice, as it is too busy comparing itself to the mythical version of America its textbooks tell them once existed.
