OTTAWA – Canadian health officials have recalled millions of masks after people reported that wearing them makes them feel kinda weird.
“Never in the history of public health have we made such a huge error,” said Theresa Tam, Canada’s chief public health officer. “Our studies had shown that masks significantly reduce the spread of COVID-19, but we forgot to take into account that the masks looked sorta weird. We deeply apologize to all Canadians who felt slightly uncomfortable.”
Officials became concerned following multiple accounts of customer refusing to wear masks inside shops because they “hurt at the back of the ears a little bit after awhile.” Store owners nation-wide were shocked after realizing the small, easy to wear masks were such a heavy burden to their customers, and lobbied the government to change its position on masks.
“I just don’t know how I could have been so thoughtless,” said Helen Gaffner, a local baker. “I had asked all my customers to spend almost 30 seconds of their day placing a mask on their face before they left the house, all just to save a few hundred lives.
“I truly don’t know what came over me.”
Other horrific effects that masks have had on Canadians were fogging up glasses on people sometimes, making Canadians feel dumb when they misplaced them, and exposing people to thousands of seflies with the caption “Mexican bandit.”
Prime Minister Justin Trudeau apologized for not thinking about looks for once. “Canadians are known world-wide for their sexiness, and for a moment I placed the lives of Canadians over their sex appeal. As an international dreamboat myself, I understand and apologize.”
“We are currently hard at work on a mask that doesn’t stop the spread of COVID but looks sexy af,” the PM added.
In related news, Justin Trudeau will also remove the law requiring seat belts to be required in all cars, as they are kind of plain and dig into your neck sort of.
