GENEVA – The World Health Organization is asking pilots, air passengers and astronauts climbing sunward to join the tumbling mirth of sun-split clouds to please refrain from touching the fa…
Month: March 2020
Mothers Against Head Crushing boycott impending Kids in the Hall revival
TORONTO – Canadian comedy troupe The Kids in the Hall are returning to the small screen for an 8 episode revival on Amazon Prime Video. The news of the show’s reboot elicited a heated boyco…
Fancy Tim Hortons just as bad
TORONTO – In the aftermath of the grand opening of a new, high-end Tim Hortons in the heart of Toronto’s financial district, customers have confirmed that it’s definitely just as bad as all the o…
Breaking: U.S. President to be man for record 232nd straight year
WASHINGTON D.C. – With Elizabeth Warren dropping out of the Democratic Primaries the United States will break its own record for longest time governed exclusively by men. “Sure we considere…
Finally, Compromise: Flat Earther suggests maybe planet could be hexagonal
In an effort to appease both the scientific community and the world’s flat earthers, Flat Earth Society member Devon Pinsent has put forth a bold suggestion: maybe it’s time for all of us to agre…
Eglinton LRT construction extended just long enough to be cancelled at last minute
TORONTO — With the recent announcement that the long-under-construction Eglinton LRT will be completed in 2022, the TTC has assured riders that this is only to ensure that the entire projec…
Alberta announces it will only protect the most profitable wildlife
EDMONTON – Citing the mounting cost to taxpayers, Alberta’s UCP government announced that it will be only be protecting wildlife that can turn a profit. Environment Minister Jason Nixon sai…
Coronavirus Update: Hand sanitizer shortage has more people boiling their hands for five minutes
TORONTO – A critical shortage of hand sanitizer caused by coronavirus fears has more people taking the precaution of placing their hands in boiling hot water for five minutes. With shelves …
Team Canada to be divided based on petty regional differences
OTTAWA – The Canadian Olympic Committee announced the 2020 Olympic team will be divided into several separate teams based on petty regional differences and long standing disputes between pr…
Man who took 30 years to win one state considered “electable”
SOUTH CAROLINA – Joe Biden is now the presumptive nominee for the Democratic Party and the “man to beat,” following a primary win in South Carolina that only took him a third of a century t…
