NEWMARKET, ON – Jeremy Philips, a health and wellness expert in Toronto, has celebrated a week-long social media break by visiting Ralph’s All-You-Can-Plate only to find it empty.
“I can’t believe how dead it is in here,” said Philips, wolfing down a plate of deep-fried shrimp which didn’t have metal tongs available in the bin they were presented. “There are so many different options and yet so few people are here to take advantage! Even the staff seemed surprised I was here, as if I would miss an awesome buffet for anything!”
On his third trip through the oddly-deserted lineup Philips stopped at the smoked salmon. “You can’t make a good lox bagel without getting your hands dirty,” exclaimed the eager customer as he rolled up his sleeves, ducked under the sneeze guard, and dug his hands into the smoked salmon, spilling some into the vat of ribs next to it.
On his 5th trip through the buffet Philips encountered a young child with a runny nose who he offered his personal handkerchief to. “I’m all about reducing waste, so why use a disposable tissue when I can just wash this reusable one when I get home,” stated Philips, placing the handkerchief back in his pocket.
The professional health and wellness expert was so thrilled by his experience that he offered the restaurant’s staff a hearty handshake, which the staff strongly abjectly refused. “A little rude, but I guess some people are just raised differently,” mused Philips as he coughed the last bit of salmon he’d eaten out into the air, causing an employee to recoil and close the restaurant early behind him.
Philips also reports he can’t wait to get home and check on some of the stocks he invested in early this week. “The market doesn’t change that much over a week and honestly, what’s the worst that could happen?”
