WASHINGTON, DC- Health officials across the globe are closely monitoring the effects of vaping following a damning report out of the CDC which found a link between regular e-cigarette usage and an increased risk of dating someone named Cody.
“What we’re faced with is an epidemic” said deputy research director Dr. Maria Janssen during a news brief. “Our research has, unfortunately, found an undeniable connection between vaping and falling hopelessly in love with men who wear jorts in -5℃ weather and have torrented all five seasons of Rick and Morty”
Cigarettes have long been known to be among the most dangerous of legal vices, with research from 1951 showing an increased risk in smokers dating men wearing cowboy hats named Chuck. Public opinion has long held that vaping Is a risk free alternative. However, research conducted on both mice and humans has found that e-cigarettes like JUUL dramatically increase the risk of users hooking up with someone named Cody whose parents are currently funding his podcasting career.
“It was amazing,” said research assistant Jon Navarro “time and time again we observed mice who had been exposed to e-cigarettes exhibiting an increased desire to mate with mice like Koti, Cody, and Cotie over other, perhaps more reliable mates like Mr. Squeaks, Lil Cheese, and Professor Nibbles.”
In human subjects, the effects can be much more disastrous with symptoms often beginning as an unexplained and unstoppable attraction to tongue rings and No Fear hats and quickly metastasizing into signing a one year lease with someone who insists on hanging a Sublime poster in the living room.
In a recent case, 23 year old Sault Ste Marie resident Amber Garcia began vaping seven months ago and shortly after went on a first date with Cody Dershkowitz . “It was supposed to be a nice, strawberry scented alternative to smoking” said a bed-ridden Garcia from under a fleece Scooby-Doo blanket. “And now look at me. I just celebrated my 6 month anniversary by drinking Fanta and going to a Motor rally.”
With research still in its infancy, the CDC is urging citizens to cease or limit their e-cigarette usage. While the evidence undoubtedly points towards a short-term link between vaping and dating a Cody, the long-term effects are thus far unknown and could be more severe. “For all we know, it could end with marriage to a Tyler or divorce from a Travis. We simply don’t know yet. These things are all very new and we don’t yet have the research.”
For now, the CDC is pleading with consumers across the globe to stay vigilant and look out for warning signs, urging anyone who finds themselves suddenly attracted to men in snapbacks and branded Jagermeister hoodies to seek immediate medical attention.
