Syria – Earlier this morning newly appointed ISIS leader Abu Ibrahim al-Hashimi al-Qurayshi was at a loss for which tie to wear on his first day, reportedly standing in front of the mirror for nearly two hours frantically switching between a striped tie and a paisley tie.
“Ahhh, I dunno!” blubbered the frustrated caliphate, as he held the two ties up to his face, “The striped tie makes my eyes pop but the paisley tie really screams ‘death to all infidels.’ This is so hard!”
According to CIA sources al-Qurayshi is reportedly feeling a lot of pressure following the death of his predecessor Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi and thinks that the right tie will either make or break the day. Reports indicate that he was a “total mess” and kept repeating, “you’re a descendent of the Prophet Muhammad you can pick a tie!”
Al-Qurayshi eventually had all four of his wives weigh in but they came no closer to a decision, as it ended up being a 50/50 split.
“Whichever tie I choose has to convey that jihad will continue until doomsday and if it doesn’t I might as well not show up at all. I’ll be the laughing stock of the office,” stated a defeated al-Qurayshi with tear streaks running down his face.
ISIS soldiers were at one point sent to retrieve a captured American journalist from his holding cell to get his opinion however when the journalist said that he liked the paisley tie al-Qurayshi was sent into another spiral, screaming “Uh of course YOU would pick that one!”
“He’s just nervous and feeling a bit out of sorts considering the state of things. We’re just trying to be supportive” said an ISIS fighter as he made a cup of soothing chamomile tea.
At press time, a dishevelled al-Qurayshi stated, “screw it, I’m going casual!” and left both ties at home, a decision he immediately regretted.
