OTTAWA, ON — A recent study has revealed that women without the partnership of a spouse exhibit characteristics of more happiness, better health and the most horniness a person can feel.
The study, conducted over ten years at Carleton University, followed 5 women without spouses or a partner of any kind, and 5 with spouses. While the women with spouses exhibited higher health risks due to stress, the single women had a much higher life enjoyment factor, save for the fact that they were so freakin’ horned up that just a light breeze did it for them real good.
“The pros seem to outweigh the cons”, explains scientist Joanna Watkinson. “Most single women took better care of their health and mental wellbeing. However these same women found themselves getting a little too into the TV series Outlander, and that scene in the library in Atonement. Scientists attempted to remove these sorts of stimuli to see the difference in moods, but when deprived, things in the study got pretty violent.”
The science community of Carleton University was not surprised at the outcome; 4 out of the 5 married participants described marriage as “killing them”, very much in the literal sense. When questioned about their spouses, married participants’ blood pressure rose to a “why would you stay married?” level. Alternately, the unattached participants got turnt up super hard just hearing the word “pressure”.
“This is great news!” said single participant Gigi Clairborne. “I truly don’t need a spouse and I’m glad science has backed this up. That being said, I wouldn’t mind having a regular sex partner who can build furniture for me. I guess I want a sex maid. Wait, is that what marriage is? Because I want in then!”
While the study has proven that marriage is definitely not a “sex maid” situation, many of the single participants had a skewed view as to what marriage is. Several believed it was defined as someone desperate to know where you are at all times of the day. However, many participants also found it hard to focus at all because the pencil they held while filling out data was long and firm.
This study has not promoted either being single as healthy or being married as detrimental to one’s health. However scientists do say if married please monitor your stress levels; and if you’re single, for heaven’s sake stop attempting to get a whiff of strangers’ hair as you pass them on the street.
