TORONTO – In a move harshly criticized by environmentalists nationwide, the Ford government announced yesterday that it is cancelling a program that would have seen 50 million new trees planted in Ontario, after realizing that trees, like the Conservative-denounced carbon tax, remove carbon dioxide from the country’s atmosphere.
The 50 Million Tree Program, which not only created jobs but helped to maintain Ontario’s forests and shorelines, was shut down to decrease Ontario’s financial deficit. However, Ford made it clear that the real reason he wanted it gone was because the planted trees were aiding Trudeau’s Liberal agenda.
“I bet Trudeau thought we’d never find out about this,” Ford boasted in Queen’s Park immediately following the announcement. “While we’ve been fighting the good fight against his joke tax, he’s planted his secret carbon-hating agents in every backyard. I know I’ll never trust a tree again. And think about it: if we get rid of a few forests, that will free up space for more beer stores.”
Robert Keen, CEO of Forests Ontario, maintains that Ontario’s trees adhere to a strict non-partisan stance regarding the carbon tax.
“As I told Premier Ford yesterday, the act of photosynthesis has no political allegiance,” he explained. “Trees have everyone’s best interests at heart but are free to vote how they please. Hell, the oak tree in my front yard voted for Harper in 2006.”
Ford insisted that his decision was in the best interests of all the hardworking folks of Ontario, despite criticism from Canadians eager to point out the irony of his decision so soon after changing the province’s license plate motto.
“To all those calling me a hypocrite: the new slogan is ‘A Place To Grow’, not ‘A Place to Secretly Undermine Good Conservative Fiscal Policies,’” he insisted. “Once the goddamn trees stop doing that, then maybe we can talk.”
At press time, Ford was taking more money away from libraries after he realized that books are made from trees.
