OTTAWA — Steve Tering, a recent hire for Vice media, is currently wishing he had not consumed a variety of uppers, downers and hallucinogens before trying to cover a routine press gallery about inter-provincial trade dispute resolution regulation.
“I don’t usually take drugs before reporting, but I work for Vice now and that is what they do,” stated Tering, while sweating profusely. “Honestly I thought Ontario politics were going to make more sense while microdosing mushrooms.”
Tering spent the first ten minutes of the press conference furiously scribbling pages of notes, and the remainder of the time staring at the floor in complete silence. Halfway through, he tapped a Globe and Mail reporter on the shoulder and whispered that “now I really get question period, man.”
“I was confused when he asked me about the chairs having a heartbeat,” said Minister of National Revenue, Diane Lebouthillier. “But the question still made more sense then the one from The Toronto Sun about a ‘Sharia Sex Education Climate Tax’.”
Previous stories on Vice include ‘I dropped peyote and covered the NAFTA renegotiation’, ‘Does Heroin make you appreciate the Velvet Underground more?’ and ‘Bathsalts vs Bath Salts, we smoke both’.
“I would love to let our talented writers operate sober and clear-headed,” stated Vice editor Minnie Blanketa, “but no one clicks on that. One our best-performing articles is just someone watching all of the Fast and Furious movies while huffing glue.”
At press time, Tering had been assigned to write the “what’s new on Netflix” article that every news site is legally obligated to write now.
