OTTAWA – Conservative leader Andrew Scheer is fighting back against reports that he endorsed the absurd Pizzagate conspiracy theory by saying the left wing media is merely trying to distract Canadians from the real issue of whether Prime Minister Trudeau is the secret lovechild of Cuban dictator Fidel Castro.
“I didn’t hear the gentleman say Pizzagate,” said Scheer at a hastily assembled press conference. “I merely heard him suggest the Clinton foundation was a child trafficking ring that Justin Trudeau supports, and I agreed with him. No big deal.”
“But look, we’re getting away from the real issues Canadians want to talk about. Namely, have you seen those side by side images of Justin and young Fidel on reddit? Pretty compelling stuff.”
Pizzagate is the right wing conspiracy theory which claims that the Clintons and other Democrats run a pedophile ring out of Comet Pizza in Washington D.C. Though there is no evidence for such a claim, it is so strongly believed that one man even brought a gun into the restaurant to “investigate.” Scheer says he had never heard of this claim, which is believed by a significant percentage of Canadian Conservative voters, as he was much too busy comparing the shape of Justin and Trudeau’s noses.
“I mean, just look at the hair! No way does famously bald Pierre Trudeau sire a son with those flowing locks,” said a frantic Scheer while standing in front of a board with numerous strings connecting Trudeau and Castro. He then proceeded to smoke 5 cigarettes and chug a Red Bull.
Conservatives are hoping to put the Pizzagate story to bed as soon as possible so they can get Canadians re-focused on the promises contained in their election platform, like putting QAnon in charge of the budget and finding out what is REALLY inside the Diefenbunker.
