MISSISSAUGA, ON – Sources report thirty year old Caitlin Barnes is “pretty laid back” despite the very real possibility a single tweet could incinerate the world in a massive radioactive inferno.
“I’ve already mentally prepared myself for global environmental catastrophe, and antibiotic resistant bacteria” said the thirty year old Chapters associate and programmer. “So at this point, nuclear annihilation just seems like a natural progression.”
Through an intense and self-enforced program of distractions, social media, and gig economy side hustles, Barnes has forced herself to have faith. In addition to living in the basement, and thus feeling additionally protected from any attack, Barnes added, “Plus, nuclear annihilation is pretty great because I have not started any sort of retirement plan whatsoever.”
Meanwhile, friends and neighbours are impressed that despite all this, Barnes is “killing it.”
“We’re so proud of her,” says Barnes’ mother, Jenine. “When we were her age we were hiding under desks and putting activists under surveillance, but Caitlin just does her thing cool as a cucumber. She just got promoted to keyholder!”
Caitlin’s father, Eric, also expressed pride in the resilience his daughter was demonstrating.
“It’s sad that her generation can’t afford the basic things ours took for granted,” he remarked as he struggled to hook up his phone to the bluetooth in his SUV. “When we were just 23, Jenine and I were able to purchase a house right in downtown Toronto so we could be right in the epicentre of an attack and be instantly vapourized instead of having our bodies agonizingly disintegrate from the fallout. That would really freak any of my friends out, but not our Caitlin. Did you know she just landed her first semi-paid internship? That’s my girl!”
Barnes also reports feeling positive about the prospect of scrounging for perishables in an irradiated wasteland. “Not only will most of my workforce competition be vapourized, but I’m already used to bartering for most of my possessions on Bunz.”
Barnes says she has been able to maintain her positivity due to a renewal in her faith in democratic institutions.
“I always thought end of world would come from the machinations of an evil corporation, but it’s reassuring to know that our democratic institutions can still play a meaningful role in people’s lives.”
