QUEEN’S PARK — To speed through passage of his controversial Bill 31 cutting Toronto city council in half, last night Doug Ford held a midnight session where members could pass their most “ghoulish and terrifying laws”.
Late last night in in preparation for the midnight session, Premier Ford ordered aides to arrange all PC seats in a circle in the centre of the legislature. “Let’s get the lights turned down in here, unless you’re all afraid of the dark,” Ford barked at nobody in particular. The premier then commenced building a campfire in the center of the circle, joking that he “should use the Charter for kindling,” but ultimately using old Canadian Tire flyers instead.
As the clock chimed twelve, the premier leaned in close to the roaring fire. “Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society – not that I need anyone’s approval to do anything – I call this story, ‘The Tale Of The Cleaved Council.”
Ford then reached into a sack and tossed a handful of something onto the campfire, which observers noted “smelled strongly of hash.”
Reached for comment, several Ontario PC members defended Ford’s decision to adopt a midnight and campfire-based system of government. “Sure, Queen’s Park has a roof and the legislature is currently filling with smoke,” explained Attorney General Caroline Mulroney. “But Doug promised next week I could tell the story of ‘The Tale Of The Slashed Minimum Wage Hike.’ I can’t wait.”
Other PC members were similarly enthusiastic about Ford’s decision to conduct all of Ontario’s governmental business at midnight, under cover of darkness. “This is the latest I’ve ever gotten to stay up!” enthused Niagara West MPP Sam Oosterhoff.
Meanwhile, opposition members expressed misgivings about newly-announced bills, including “The Tale Of The Massacred Environmental Regulations” and “The Tale Of The Repealed Corporate Income Tax”. NDP Leader Andrea Horwath proposed a private member’s bill to force the PCs to let her caucus into the the campfire circle and share their snacks. The motion failed.
As Ford’s Midnight Society meeting drew to a close, he concluded his campfire story of a city council waking to find half of its members massacred. “And then, all the weenie liberals were like ‘We’re sorry we were mean to you Doug, please spare us,’ and the cool scary premier was like ‘No! That’s what you get for not electing me mayor! Slice! Slice!’ The end.” Several PC aides were then ushered into the room to clap for the premier’s spooky story.
At press time, members of the original Midnight Society filed an injunction against Premier Ford, claiming that he had stolen their gimmick, and that his story “sucked”.
