HUNTSVILLE, ON – The Giving Tree has come into trouble as the Canada Revenue Agency released information containing proof that she was guilty of embezzling $1.2 million dollars in a recent audit.
Members of the arboreal community are shocked at the news of The Giving Tree’s conviction due to her altruistic public persona. The Giving Tree was a much beloved actress, who in 2008 had a successful run playing the titular character in the play adaptation of A Tree Grows in Brooklyn on Broadway.
The Giving Tree was also an entrepreneur. Her company, “Rooting for You” provided assistance to elderly and ancient trees with things such as weekly trimmings, sap extractions, and figuring out how to send pictures on their iPhones. She spent countless hours talking with the elders, organizing fundraisers, and sparing her leaves to those who had early onset leaf loss. The Giving Tree lived up to her name because she was so, you know, giving.
That was until people began to find apples hidden in the trunks of the ancient trees. Upon further investigation by the CRA it was found that The Giving Tree would sell the apples and pocket the money without reparations for the seniors, who all just thought they had gained a few pounds. While this was a shock to the public, those close to her (both emotionally and in proximity) noticed a change once she started hanging out with The Boy.
“At first The Boy seemed nice, but then he started coming around asking for more of The Giving Tree” said Harold, a nearby oak tree. “One time, he just chopped off all her branches to build a house in the middle of the day! Unacceptable! This is a family neighbourhood, we got kids here.”
This news is particularly upsetting due to a recent string of famous plants being caught committing crimes: Leaflock the Ent was charged with loitering, the Whomping Willow was caught publicly photosynthesizing in the park, and Groot was arrested for fertilizer possession, when asked about it, he remarked sadly, “I am Groot.”
However, The Giving Tree stated that she was not entirely to blame for the scandal.
“The Boy took everything: my apples, my branches, my credit card number and I received nothing in return! I thought he loved me!” The Giving Tree sobbed in a recent press conference held at the spot where she is planted. “He left with the money in the boat he made out of my trunk; I am physically and mentally stumped on how I let this happen.”
Upon further investigation The Boy was revealed to be none other than singer the Weeknd. Abel Tesfaye, also known as Starboy, was last seen getting intimate with a palm tree at a party in LA. When asked to do an interview we received no comment from his representatives.
