TOKYO – Scientists at the University of Tokyo specializing in giant monster nutrition have released a study on the merits of a diet low in cars.
“We’ve found a concerning correlation between obesity rates and automobile consumption among colossal creatures,” said lead scientist Dr. Haruto Azuma. “So if you want to maintain that healthy weight [of roughly 160,000 tonnes], we advise you to lay off the Subarus.”
Azuma, whose study focused on giant lizards but who stresses the results are broadly applicable to gargantuan beasts, recommended a diverse pesco-vegetarian diet that includes trees, whale sharks and foods high in oxidants to fuel a healthy fire breath.
Of course, as with anything, Azuma says, “moderation is key.”
“Sure, a small family car is fine once in a while – without the family, of course,” said Azuma, chuckling nervously. “And I’d go electric if you can’t help it. But we’ve seen an uptick in the regular devouring of SUVs, attack helicopters and trucks hauling huge amounts of radioactive waste, which is a big no-no.”
Scientists have also suggested a regular workout routine to go along with the diet, consisting of exercises like skyscraper climbs, Pacific Ocean laps and cargo ship curls.
At press time, baby nutritionists were pushing for a glue-free diet.
