OTTAWA – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has reminded Canadians still warring with Americans in a conflict that ended over 200 years ago to lay down their arms to appease US President Donald Trump who still believes Canada is a security threat.
“My fellow Canadians and Subjects of The British Empire,” read the decree from PMO’s office. “King George III beseeches all of his subjects to halt all aggression towards the United States. All letters of marque have been rescinded and the Royal Navy has been instructed to stop impressing American sailors into service as per the negotiated peace agreement in Ghent, United Netherlands dated December 24th, 1814.”
Last week, Trump justified tariffs on Canadian steel and aluminum since Canada was responsible for burning down the White House in 1814 despite the fact those responsible for torching the American capital were British troops. To reassure the US leader, Trudeau has called for an amnesty on all muskets, bayonets, and cannons except for historical reenactors.
Exhausted citizens of Upper and Lower Canada still waging war expressed relief hearing their colonial leader declare an end to the conflict.
“Whilst the Yankee foe turned York and Newark into ashes, lasting peace will be best for my crops of oat and barley,” said 245-year-old Ebenezer Cornwall, a Canadian militia member who had been at war for over two centuries and never heard about the declaration of peace. “Be that as it may, the Duke of Wellington would have given President Madison a real thrashing on the battlefield had our struggle continued.”
At press time, Trump was attempting to negotiate a trade agreement with Emperor Napoleon’s Egyptian cotton.
