VANCOUVER, BC – Hundreds of years of privilege has transformed white male confidence into a pure, clean burning source of fuel, according to a study published by the University of British Columbia.
Kai Byrne, a Environmental Engineering Ph.D. student and author of the study, came across these findings while working with a male undergrad she was advising. She observed that each time he explained why she was unqualified to instruct him, his drone that he brings everywhere would power up.
This prompted a group of researchers from the department of Environment and Climate Change, in collaboration with the department of Women’s Studies, to develop a wearable apparatus to harness the overflow energy as middling white men perform simple tasks with excess confidence, like driving without directions, or speaking to women about things.
“Each time a man says or does something with unearned confidence, that excess energy escapes, normally dissipating into the air. But if we capture it, for example, every time a man says, ‘Well, actually’ he emits enough extra energy to power a television through an entire season of Two and a Half Men.”
The study speculates that the potential uses are staggering. Estimating the impact on the corporate sector, it should be feasible to power an entire office on one meeting alone, as the authors note, “Not even an executive board meeting. Just a regular meeting.”
“This could be the answer to our dependence on fossil fuels,” says Anika Patel, spokesperson for Green Energy International. “Unlike most resources, it’s seemingly endless. It’s even more reliable than solar power. Unlike the sun, this stuff never goes away.”
Research has discovered a plethora of sources from which to mine this resource, including but not limited to startup tech companies, stand up comedy clubs, cross-fit gyms, and Reddit forums.
This discovery is welcomed by a number of countries as a solution to the emissions crisis, as no governments have recorded a shortage of confident or powerful men at this time. The discovery will be discussed at the next UN summit, where a male official intends to power his own presentation just by explaining it.
