WASHINGTON — After joining President Trump’s legal defense team and embarking on a series of questionable media interviews, Rudy Giuliani has reportedly stated that he is “easing into this job nicely.”
“You know, I really think that I’m starting to crush this gig,” Giuliani advised after revealing Trump did know about the hush money paid to Stormy Daniels. “Everyone told me to go slow, and carefully use talking points. But clearly when you just wing it you get a lot more attention!”
As pundits and legal professionals speculate as to how Giuliani could possibly damage his client’s credibility any further, the former New York City mayor has reportedly taken to offering celebratory “high fives” to everyone he encounters.
“Rudy (Giuliani) wouldn’t stop telling me how Trump definitely violated campaign finance laws, but it didn’t count because it was ‘on the DL,’” recounted a baffled George Stephanopoulos, host of ABC’s This Week.
“And after every jaw-dropping admission, I could hear him whispering ‘nailed it’ under his breath,” Stephanopoulos added.
The shockingly-positive Giuliani has also enthusiastically revealed to journalists that his client, “definitely had sex with that porn lady”; that the president retains the services of reputed fixer Michael Cohen for “all kinds of fucked-up stuff”; and that, in Giuliani’s own words, “it’s not so much a pee tape as it is a series of pee videos.”
Giuliani, who has never practised defense law and has scarcely practiced at all in the past two decades, has gone out of his way to boast about how he, “came here to kick ass and chew bubblegum, and I’m all out of bubble gum.”
“Seriously, he said the ‘bubble gum’ thing like three times in a single conversation,” explained Fox News host and unofficial Trump Chief of Staff, Sean Hannity. “I begged him to knock it off and focus on how Mr. Trump is making America great again, but Giuliani wouldn’t stop blurting out how the president got physically spanked by Vladimir Putin one time.”
At press time Giuliani had called into NPR’s You Bet Your Garden to dare Robert Mueller to investigate Donald Trump’s money laundering.