WASHINGTON D.C. – At midnight, President Trump defied political pundits and Vegas bookmakers alike by keeping his United States Government open for a full year – much longer than any odds placed on him.
In a year that saw the world stunned by the president threatening nuclear war, calling African countries “shitholes”, and getting blackmailed by a porn star, lasting 365 days before a government shutdown has proven the biggest shock.
“Aw man, I had Trump goes down in the third,” said gambling enthusiast Vinnie ‘Two Legs’ Tuscadero, referring to the month he expected President Trump to be steer the government into a total shutdown. “Anyone who played the long odds of Donnie riding this thing to a whole fourth of a presidential term is sitting pretty tonight.”
While observers universally agreed that Trump would manage to shut the US Government down sometime within his first year as president, few believed he could “go the distance” until January 2018. Based on the performances of Trump Steaks, Trump Air, Trump University, Trump Vodka, and the Trump Taj Mahal, the one year Trump Government has amazed professional gamblers with its relative longevity.
At the start of 2017, bookmakers had placed the odds of Trump successfully keeping America’s lights on as:
Trump vs America (-9.0)
Trump forgets he’s president, causing shutdown: 10-6
Trump places America in Chapter 11 to go golfing: 8-5
Trump sells US government to pay Russian creditors: 8-7-1
Trump tries to make deal, instant government shutdown: 2-1
As House members frantically negotiate and government workers make plans to be out of work for several weeks, the lone celebratory voice in Washington belongs to President Trump himself. Hours after the shutdown the president took to Twitter to gloat:
At press time aides were explaining to a furious Donald Trump that, despite the shutdown, he still has to be president.
