CAMBRIDGE, MA – A new study released today by Harvard Medical School confirms what you already suspected: the things you are doing in life are great, and everyone else is an idiot.
“Your approach to exercise and diet is perfect,” said Dr Kurt Schilling at a press conference, “but your friends have to watch out. Some are doing way too little about their physical fitness, and others are harming themselves by doing too much – leading to shin splints and joint pain, probably. It’s great that you don’t over stretch, and the amount of time you spend being active lines up with the best evidence we have.”
“As for what you are eating,” continued Dr Veronica Steele, “it is finely balanced to keep your body humming like a Ferrari. You consume the right amounts of protein, vegetables, fibre, sugar, and vitamins. And the gluten you are, or are not, eating is just right.” But Dr Steele added a cautionary note: “Your friend Kyle better watch out, though. His diet is almost literally a shit sandwich. It’s very likely he’s developing diabetes, and you should tell him.”
A third researcher, Dr Anne Chung chimed in: “You also nailed it on alcohol consumption! It’s just the right amount to keep your heart happy and your liver clean. Is red wine good for you? I think you know the answer. But Debra is an alcoholic. Maybe find her a program to go into.”
Dr Schilling spoke to another health concern: “You know how you worry about your sleep? Don’t. You’re fine. You are razor sharp and function like an unrelenting cyborg. Whether standing or sitting at your desk, you’re a machine – unlike your friends who sleep way too much and are basically groggy toddlers. What’s their problem?”
“And the sex you’re having is amazing,” reported Dr Steele. “Whether with partners or solo, you are knocking it out of the park. Your ability to do the right thing is uncanny.” At this point Dr Chung jumped in, “Please steer clear of Mitch. Not only is every partner left unsatisfied, his genitals are a like a rancid petri dish.”
All three scientists agreed on one point: “If you take away one thing from our study, make it this: No one needs to eat kale.”
