CHICAGO, IL – In response to the new nuclear posture of the United States, along with the lack of evidence based decision making mechanisms in place, the members of the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists, who maintain the so-called “doomsday clock,” have set the minute hand forward, so the clock now reads “drinkin’ time.”
Since 1947, the clock represents the likelihood of a global catastrophic event occurring, like nuclear war – or more recently – irreversible climate change or new emergent technological calamities. With this announcement, several of the world’s leading minds on the subject have gone into their liquor cabinets to pour themselves “a real stiff one,” and are urging the public to do the same.
“Well, only one thing left to do,” said a visibly intoxicated Dr. Morgan Geller of the National Nuclear Research Institute as he poured himself the last few drops of his best bottle of scotch. “I know exactly what horrors these weapons are capable of. We should have never [indistinct]. And now our fate is in the hands of this jerk? We’re done!”
“To humanity. We so [sic] much promise,” he added, knocking back his glass.
The doomsday clock was moved up from its previous two positions of “Furrow brow in concern” under Obama, to “Time to bite your nails” after Trump’s election. The last time the clock was set to drinkin’ time was 1953, after the first hydrogen bomb tests. The clock does not necessarily mean the world will end immediately, it merely suggests that there is absolutely nothing the average person can do except drown their sorrows in the only substance science has proven will give some comfort in the face of eventual destruction: high-proof spirits.
Reaction online has been mixed.
“I think this is really concerning,” said Laura Kemp of Newburg, VA. “Good thing I have a ton of Chardonnay in my bomb shelter.”
“I don’t trust it,” said Gord Henderson of Owen Sound, ON. “Let’s keep in mind that these scientists are the same people who believe the Earth is round”
Should the threat continue to increase, the board will vote on whether to move the clock to “pathetic drunken cryin’ time” or, instead, skip over that and set it straight to “acceptance.”
