SEATTLE – A leaked document from the annual International Airlines Convention (IAC) has revealed that the next cost-saving measures to be employed by carriers will be a reduction in the amount of headroom allocated to each passenger.
“Owing primarily to the fact that it is now physically impossible to restrict legroom more than we have already done, standard ceiling height on all our planes will now be no more than 3.2 feet from the floor of the plane,” said an Air Canada spokesperson. “We will thereafter reduce headroom by one inch a year until seats can be entirely dispensed with.”
Diagrams of passengers stacked in what is colloquially known as “Lincoln Log” formations have yet to be independently verified.
Experts who have reviewed the leaked document admit they are unsurprised. There have long been rumblings of passengers considered to be “overheight” or who have excessively large heads being charged for two tickets. As well, a reduction in headroom will naturally force a crouching posture while seated, causing passengers to automatically enter the crash position, thus increasing safety.
Premium passengers travelling in “Natural Human Height” Class will be permitted to stand at the entrance to Economy and talk loudly about their lack of spinal pain.
“It’s unfortunate but forcing passengers in the shape of a question mark is just something the airlines have to do to survive in this cutthroat business,” said a representative of Delta Airlines who asked to remain nameless, “By reducing the amount of headroom, we increase capacity in our cargo hold, thereby allowing us to accept more passenger bags which we will then charge the passengers for.”
“It’s win-win……… so long as you interpret that concept as the airlines winning twice,” he continued.
Responding to questions as to how the airlines would deal with passenger complaints about the new seating arrangements, United Airlines spokespeople simply stated “mercilessly”.
