NIAGARA FALLS, ON – Several months after animal cruelty charges were laid against them by the OSPCA, the extremely litigious water park Marineland is not, we repeat, not, allowing guests the chance to ‘saw down on the thrashing bod’ of a live killer whale.
“Marineland does not tolerate exchanges of money for the right to chainsaw even a beluga whale,” said park guest Eric Torrance, describing a completely counterfactual situation which, to be perfectly clear, does not happen at, and does not resemble anything that happens at Marineland. “To imply Marineland mistreats its animals when they have not been found guilty in a court of law would be both irresponsible and actionable.”
It is also worth mentioning there would be no satirical point to describing Marineland guests playing axe golf with live guinea fowl, or punching bears in the nards, Jackass-style, since the shocking humour of that would not be directed at a legitimate target, but only Marineland, which has a right to defend its reputation in a court of law.
“Yes, this park is great,” said Jay Hillier, a non-disgruntled employee, while preparing the animals an adequate meal. “Even as a fictional employee whose views do not represent those of Marineland, I have not, and am not implying by verbal irony that I have, been party to any lumberjack-style whale mistreatment.”
Although orcas are intelligent social animals, the authors of this article are not whale psychologists, and it would be spurious for them to draw comparisons between keeping an orca in solitary confinement for nearly four decades, and actively sending children to torture it with miniature bandsaws; a thing that could never happen at Marineland, which loves its animals and not in a freaky Stephen King’s Misery kind of way.
At press time, it was possible that Canada needed to update its anti-defamation laws.
