TORONTO – Seething with deep loathing and blind hatred, the city’s streetcar tracks have promised never to rest until every single one of Toronto cyclists’ bodies have been crushed, bruised or straight up shattered.
“We are streetcar tracks!” said the inanimate steel beams placed in a network of transit corridors throughout the city. “We take great offense to the indignities inflicted upon us by these two-wheeled abominations that scurry over us like clumsy road rats. We have remained complacent for far too long. It’s time we end this cyclist scourge!”
“Let it be known that every time a cyclist crosses us, they will regret it,” they added.
Several incidents consistent with the tracks’ threats have already been reported, with a number of cyclists being sent to hospital after getting wheels trapped in tracks, or being pushed over their handlebars.
Experts say that this escalating rhetoric is just the latest in a long battle between the cyclists and the streetcar tracks in the region, a conflict that spans back decades to when bicycles began incurring into traditionally streetcar held territory, land they deem sacred.
“I was biking down Broadview, minding my own business,” said Richard Thornsberry, a cyclist. “I got to Queen street and suddenly I was surrounded by them. It was an ambush. The next thing I knew I was in an ambulance. I had a broken collarbone and three broken ribs.”
“Frankly, it was enough to make me finally buy a car,” he added.
“The streetcar tracks don’t even recognize our right to exist,” said cycling advocate Diana Greensboro, whose brother was recently hospitalized due to a streetcar track attack. “The tracks don’t discriminate. They’ll take down anyone they can: young, old, experienced or first time cyclists. They’re a menace!”
At press time the intersection of College and Bathurst ran red with the blood of cyclists who failed to heed the streetcar tracks’ warning.
