7 women whose brazen sexuality we find unsettling

We at the Beaverton Corporation believe in family values. Here are seven women who pose a real threat to our values, which also happen to be the values of Canada.

Rihanna - Now here is a woman who doesn’t understand that respect (for women) is not given, but earned. We realize that you’re talented, successful and have a self-possession beyond your years, but until you stop wearing mesh, you will never have our respect.
Emma Watson - What happened to this one? I didn’t even mind her portraying a witch in those pagan ritual-promoting stories penned by that aging spinster. But trying to convince us that you’re a feminist after showing part of your underboob? Now that’s real witchcraft.
Miley Cyrus - I don’t what Miley Cyrus is. I just wish she would put some pants on.
Beyonce - The brazenness of this woman’s sexuality knows no bounds — not even the bounds of pregnancy. Call me old-fashioned, but I miss the days when pregnant women hid their bodies in some sort of over-sized durable jumper until they were ready to be impregnated again. A pregnant woman is so steeped in motherhood, she’s almost a giant baby herself. And I don’t want to think about having sex with that.
Chelsea Handler - Ms. Handler’s elderly buttocks and “freed” nipple ruined 2015 for me entirely.
Mindy Kaling - We find the charade of the Mindy Project, in which a loud, chubby Indian woman is pursued by slim, rich white men deeply disturbing. Has the whole world gone topsy turvy? Add the fact that she’s constantly sexually aroused and this show goes right to the bottom of the list of “Terrible Shows My Daughter Desperately Wants Me To Watch”.
Samantha from Sex and the City - We don’t know this actress’s real name and we don’t care to. She looks at boners with a voracity that should be reserved for a quarter-chicken dinner at Swiss Chalet.