TORONTO—Seated with a group of friends over brunch earlier this week, local man Tim Edwards was seen ruefully explaining how Black Lives Matter Toronto’s rhetoric has gotten too hyperbolic, especially given that they aren’t dealing with a modern-day Hitler like Trump.
“Look, I completely sympathize with their cause,” Edwards elaborated as the white group of friends discussed recent high-profile tactics adopted by the group, including halting a Pride parade and referring to politicians as racist. “But resorting to extreme statements just damages their credibility. If they want to be taken seriously, they need to be measured and diplomatic, unlike Trump, who–I have objective proof of this–is almost certain to lead us to nuclear apocalypse and must be removed from office by any means necessary.”
“We just need some DECORUM,” he shouted before the server came over and asked him if he could please lower his voice.
The conversation eventually moved on to a dissection of the advocacy group’s policy proposals, which include ending carding and providing more compensation for victims of police violence. “You’re just never going to solve racism,” said Edwards, who has frequently asserted that Trump can be impeached within two years. “Plus, the fact of the matter is, if you start making unrealistic goals, no one will take you seriously.”
Edwards then interrupted himself to recount an interesting article he’d read outlining how Senate Democrats can effectively neutralize the President’s powers by using social media.
“Plus, they’re inciting violence” said Edwards, who had no evidence to back this up and spent the day before fantasizing about the assassination of the President.
At press time, Edwards had rapped on the window and shouted “brownshirt” at a passerby wearing a red hat.
