MOSCOW – A travel weary Kevin O’Leary arrived in Russia’s capital this morning in order to ask President Vladimir Putin for assistance becoming Tory leader and then PM of Canada, just like Putin helped Trump.
“Whatever you want, whatever you need,” said O’Leary as he kissed Putin’s feet. “State secrets, control over the arctic? It’s done.”
“Just do the same thing for me that you did for him.”
O’Leary is reportedly hoping Putin will use Russian espionage and hacking networks to convince Canadians that Maxime Bernier’s recent trip to Thailand was for immoral purposes, and that Justin Trudeau was responsible for the Benghazi attacks.
“I also want Dragons Den cancelled, and for the media to say the show would have stayed on the air if they hadn’t fired me.”
Putin mostly stayed silent during the twenty minute meeting. However at the end he did pull out his ceremonial blade and advise O’Leary that, if he truly wants Putin’s help, he must “wear the mark.”
Upon his departure, O’Leary was dismayed to find a grinning Kellie Leitch waiting next in line at Putin’s office.
