Name: Kellie Leitch
Background
Leitch has taken a courageous stand against the Ottawa “elite”, who she coincidentally defines as anyone you also don’t like. She is often commended for pulling herself up by her bootstraps from a shaky underprivileged background as a mentee of former Minister of Finance Jim Flaherty. A pediatric orthopedic surgeon by training, Leitch is also renowned in the medical community for being the first person to successfully remove her own heart. As Minister of Labour in the Harper Cabinet, Leitch was often tasked with handling many tough files. This included launching the Barbaric Practices Hotline, a number that Canadians could call to report repeated plays of Drake songs by DJs looking to meet CanCon requirements. Leitch has pinned her political future on expert campaigner/necromancer Nick Kouvalis, famous for getting infamous Toronto mayor Rob Ford elected, then getting John Tory elected to fix the mess made by Rob Ford. As a leadership candidate, she has clarified that she’s not a racist, but simply holds traditionally racist values.
Policies
– Address violence against women by arming women with samurai swords, à la Kill Bill
– Ban niqabs except on Halloween
– Pull the plug on CBC and replace it with Ezra Levant reporting on ‘the gypsies’ from his parents’ basement
– Require all new immigrants to prove their Canadian values by exploiting nearby natural resources from indigenous land
– Lock up all pipeline protesters to smoke stacks
– Has a full slate of economic, health, and free trade policies which are so good she can’t even talk about them yet, but they definitely exist
Political base: Those envious of the freedoms available to bigoted Americans.
How she plans on winning: Exciting voters with Canadian adaptations of classic Trump-ism, such as “Drain the snow swamp”
Chances of Winning: Frighteningly possible
