TORONTO – Newly elected MPP Sam Oosterhoff suffered his first political embarrassment this morning when was unable to hide his spontaneous erection while giving his first speech in the legislature.
“I was just sitting there, preparing for my speech, not thinking about sex at all,” said a distraught Oosterhoff. “All of a sudden my pants got tighter and I had that painful, but in a good way, feeling.”
“Do you think Gila [Martow, MPP Thornhill] noticed?” he added as he looked at her nervously, trying to determine whether she and her friends [also MPPs] were laughing at him.
Oosterhoff was right in the middle of trying to think about his grandmother when the Speaker called on him. Although he shielded his chub from the honourable members by covering his crotch with the ‘welcome to parliament’ binder he had just gotten, it was not long before his colleagues noticed.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to talk infrastructure budget spends,” yelled out parliamentary bully Joe Dickson, Liberal MPP Ajax-Pickering.
Despite encouragement from Kathleen Wynne that this was “completely normal” for boys his age, the newly nicknamed Bonerhoff was unable to complete his speech and instead ran out of the house, an unfortunate act as this only drew more attention to the new member’s member. He was finally forced to pause and tuck the still rock hard penis into the waistband of his pants before continuing on.
At press time Oosterhoff was asking his mom if he could transfer to another provincial legislature.
