The school year is just beginning, which means that it’s time for teachers across the nation to restock their secret caches of wine. Don’t let yourself get overwhelmed by the hundreds of choices! Read on to discover the 5 best wines for back-to-school.
#1 Naked Grape – Pinot Grigio ($9.95 per bottle, 12% alcohol)
Get ready for a fresh term with the freshest wine on the market. Naked Grape Pinot Grigio is so young it still has a glimmer of hope in its eyes, just like you used to. Remember?
#2 Wine-o-matic – Travel-Size Boxed Wine ($15 for pack of 6, 11%)
Looks like a juice box but instead of being filled with gross sugar water it’s filled with nourishing alcohol. Suck one down during nap-time to make the rest of the day fly by. Comes in 12 flavours including pinot noir, chardonnay, and “grape drink”.
#3 Ashbury Wineries – 2014 Valium Grigio ($14.95 per bottle, 13% alcohol)
A premium blend of high-quality pinot grigio grapes and benzodiazepine that’s definitely worth the price. Has a strong note of strawberry and Valium in the nose, a light tingle of Valium as it passes the palate, and an aftertaste of, well, nobody has ever stayed awake long enough to judge the aftertaste. Perfect for relaxing after a full day of parent-teacher conferences.
#4 Gramma Crabapple’s Genu-WINE Carolina Grape Juice ($30 per jug, 40%)
Don’t let the fact that this is 40% alcohol fool you, it’s definitely a wine. Or, at the very least, it’s a grape spirit that has the word ‘wine’ in its name. Anyway, this will get you more fucked up for less money than anything else on this list. Perfect for when your budget gets slashed again and you’re forced to spend $300 out of pocket just so those little idiots will have markers to shove up their noses.
#5 Dr. Tipsy – Wine in a Syringe ($5 per syringe plus $5 rubber hose, 15%)
Perfect for when you need to “tie one off” during test-marking weekends. Call “Dillon” and tell him we sent you.