BY STUART MCLEAN, HOST OF CBC RADIO’S THE VINYL CAFE
After years of travelling across this country we call Canada, from coast to coast to coast, I have seen many things that have amazed me. The lofty mountains of the Rockies, the vast prairies, the Great Lakes that stretch from Superior to Ontario, the St. Lawrence and the endearing Maritimes. For years, I have heard and enjoyed the stories from folks across the land. But your town ruins absolutely everything I know and admire about this nation and and the people who call it home. God, how I hate and resent your small, pathetic town.
Dave and Morley wouldn’t be caught dead here.
The only national recognition that this town received was a deadly car accident and being mentioned in a CAA for its one star motel I was forced to stay at last night instead of sleeping in a field, which I regret not doing. The restaurants here are still stuck in the 1930s because I’m almost certain I ate a deep-fried boot instead of a hamburger, nor has the premises been seen by a health inspector since that time.
Most of your local art resembles something a decomposing on the roadside with paint on it. The rest isn’t worthy of being at the bottom of an outhouse. We would have featured a local band for the show tonight, but we couldn’t find anyone that doesn’t make my musical director’s ears bleed.
The stories you sent me for the Story Exchange are just an illustration of the failings of your local public education system, you illiterate swines. One contributor known as ‘Gail’, who was presumably exiled from a better town droned on-and-on about the most trite story about how she is using recycled woodchips for her flower garden; the most insufferable story I could have ever read.
Christ, do you people have any cultural taste? Not even Tim Hortons would set up shop within a 100km radius of this place.
This town should have been burned to the ground years ago; it’s ashes not even worthy of fertilizer. I would like to thank my long-suffering story editor for purchasing me a bus ticket to get the hell out of this shithole.
