OTTAWA – After recently ending their opposition to gay marriage, the Conservative Party of Canada is continuing to rebrand, this time by resolving to no longer burn human captives inside of giant wicker effigies.
“If we want to beat Justin Trudeau in the next election, this party needs to get with the times,” said Maxime Bernier. “Even if that means getting rid of the things we love.”
Although the Conservative party has always professed a strong belief in the union of virgin sacrifice and a strong harvest, insiders say they will now have to rely on different methods, like fertilizer and crop rotation.
“I think this is a sign that the party has matured,” said Peter Mackay, giving his sacrificial mask of reeds one last loving pat before closing it in a lower drawer. “Just because we all supported burning people to death in giant wicker cages until today, doesn’t mean people should think twice about electing us next time around.”
Fully a third of the party voters, however, have considered the new direction an attack on their values and principles.
“Removing support from the wicker man ritual tacitly undermines the rights of Canadians to copulate by the firelight of a human sacrifice,” said Saskatchewan MP Brad Trost. “And I take that personally.”
While interim leader Rona Ambrose has said she is ‘disappointed’ in MPs like Trost, she has decided not to use the bees to enforce party discipline – yet.
“No, not the bees,” Trost said. “Not the bees, not the bees.”
For his part, Peter Mackay isn’t concerned about the party losing support from its more conservative wing.
“We still haven’t done anything to improve our stance on climate change,” Mackay said. “If anything, our emissions will increase, since we’ll be burning so many more animals.”