A distraught Phil Kessel was forced to cancel his annual fishing trip with his buddies yesterday after the Pittsburgh Penguins made the NHL playoffs despite his best efforts.
“I was pretty hopeful when March rolled around and we were in 10th, but then those idiots Crosby and Fleury had to propel us on a huge run,” said Kessel over his morning box of donuts. “I swear sometimes they don’t even care about large mouth bass season.”
Kessel’s fishing trips were often a star-studded affair, with attendees including Mitt Romney, Scott Norwood and the entire roster of the Philadelphia 76ers.
“I’m really going to miss it,” echoed ex-teammate Nazem Kadri “Every year Phil would build a fishing hut out of nacho chips, Helluva Dip and American currency. One time Bill Buckner showed up and the first fish he caught slipped out of his hands, through his legs and back into the icy water.”
When asked what he thought of Kessel’s annual fishing trip Sidney Crosby said.” I have spent my entire life, every waking breath, every ounce of sweat in pursuit of the cup. I told Phil what it was like to raise Lord Stanley and he told me and I quote, ‘it can’t be half as exciting as hoisting a big ol’ carp over your head.’”
At press time Kessel had demanded a trade to the Cleveland Browns despite the fact that the trade deadline had passed and the Browns were not a hockey team.
