KINGSTON — Having reached the age of eighteen, local man Blake Thompson is reportedly thrilled to at last be old enough to vote in a way that will decrease opportunities and benefits for him now and in years to come.
“I’ve grown up knowing that making your political voice heard is crucial to being a good citizen,” the first-year biology major said excitedly over cake at his birthday party. “It’s an honour and a privilege to be able to identify initiatives and candidates whose objective is to make my life better, consider my options, and then cast my ballot for the furthest thing from that I can find.”
Thompson later expressed excitement at getting to support candidates who advocate for cuts to the educational programs he currently attends, and support a benefit that would help those in a tax bracket he will never belong to.
Thompson’s parents expressed pride at their son’s milestone. “We’re glad that as a basically thoughtful and decent kid, he finally has the chance to be misled, confused, and taken advantage of by a sophisticated political apparatus that has been perfecting its methods since decades before he was born. We can’t wait until he casts his first ballot for someone who views him, at the very best, as a statistic!”
Blake’s godfather Tim fondly reminisced about the first time he had made the considered decision to vote in such a way as to make his life measurably worse. “I still remember how sweet it felt to vote for Mike Harris the month before I started teacher’s college. This really brings me back.”
For all the excitement, Thompson was quiet and serious when discussing his new responsibility, noting that he had a lot of work to do before choosing between the party that is blatantly in the pocket of oil companies destroying the earth for future generations, or the one who pretends not to be.
Alone in his pessimism was Blake’s uncle Gary . “Look, Blake’s a nice kid but the reality is, a lot of 18-year olds can be selfish and, at the last minute, end up voting for multiple candidates whose platforms benefit them. It would probably be better to set the voting age a bit higher to avoid letting them skew the vote young.”
At press time, Thompson’s grandmother was equally excited as she began the process of choosing between the three major parties, all of which were climbing over each other to propose legislation pandering to her.
