TORONTO – While preemptively binding himself with rope, Dr. Saul Goldberg, a prominent ecologist and S&M aficionado, expressed his excitement at being completely muzzled and degraded by the federal government.
“Nothing gets me off like someone blindfolding me, tying me up, and refusing to let me speak to reporters about my research into the effects of man-made Global Warming,” said the visibly flushed scientist. “Oh my, I just said ‘man-made Global Warming’.”
“I’ve been a very bad boy, Mr. Harper.”
Dr. Goldberg is yet another Canadian scientist who has been subjected to the painful, and yet oh so pleasurable, muzzling experience. While governments around the globe decry the practice as barbaric, Harper insists that, when done carefully, muzzling can improve a flagging relationship between naughty scientists and their owners.
“Sometimes, Harper will pull his funding all the way out, teasing me,” said Dr. Goldberg. “So I have to beg him and beg him to put it back in. Eventually he does, but only a little bit. It’s agony. Pure, sweet agony.”
At press time, Harper had informed Canada’s scientists that the safe word would be ‘energy independence’.
