OTTAWA – Justice Minister Peter MacKay unveiled new legislation this month that would reduce the risk of exploitation and danger in prostitution by making the exchange of money a necessary precursor for all acts of coitus or coitus related activities in the county.
“When prostitutes are no longer the only ones receiving payment for sex, they cease to be at the fringes of society,” said McKay during a Press Conference. “Now all Canadians can sell sex in a regulated environment, wherever they are most comfortable.”
Under the legislation, Canadians will be required to render payment before any sort of sexual contact, on anything ranging from simple kissing to Winnipeg Waterfalls. The amount of payment required for each act will be set out in Regulation 226-09 to the bill. A 5 minute make out session is only $10.00, while what the law refers to as “penile-vaginal encounters” will set you back a full $200.00.
“Our government believes the most effective way to regulate the sex trade industry is through market forces,” added McKay. “If there was ever an area of society where trickle down economics could work, this is it.”
Critics have harshly condemned the bill, saying that it would only drive sex and prostitution even further underground, and result in massive expenses for all Canadians, in addition to being entirely unenforceable.
McKay rebuffed the criticisms, pointing out that the taxes on the national sex industry would be progressive; with sexual acts for married couples being tax deductible, and a competitive rate for orgies, to ensure that Canada would still attract world class swingers parties.
When reporters pressed the minister on how having to make out receipts beforehand might “spoil the mood”, the minister replied “It’ll be a fun game for couples to decide who will be the payee and who will be the payor tonight. Besides what could possibly be more intimate than sharing your innermost finances with one another?”
However McKay refused to answer any questions as to why the legislation made all homosexual sexual acts cost $50,000.00.
The press conference ended after McKay started asking reporters if they had enough cash in their pockets “to afford” him.
