The terrorists sent to Sochi from the northern Caucasus region of Russia, who want to establish an Islamic theocratic rule over their territory, apologized today for their lackluster performance at the Winter Olympics, where no one died in the name of Allah.
“We were hoping for at least one podium finishing, but unfortunately our athletes could not hide explosives under any of the podiums,” said Mahmud Dyolishenko, director of the Bomb the Podium fund.
Prior to the games, families from the mountainous Northern Eurasian territory held by the Russian Federation sent several hopefuls for many events, including women’s suicide bombing, relay tourist shooting and synchronized athlete kidnapping, but no one from either the men’s or women’s teams were able to place a victory by causing mayhem and grotesque global spectacle for political purposes.
“It’s disappointing. You train all this time, but when the judge gives you a penalty, there go your chances of winning.” said Sallam Ytzak , who had hoped to enter into the athlete’s village with a machine gun last week but was disqualified at the gates and hasn’t been heard from since.
“It’s going to be hard, but he prepared for this. He’ll feel better once he is rewarded after he is put to death as a martyr,” said Ytzak’s father, Asal.
But who is to blame for the victimless Olympic spectacle? Increasingly, money seems to be the reason behind success. Many have pointed out that with the greater commercialization of the Olympics has come greater spending from rival security forces, which means the need for to spend more money to pull off a coordinated attack.
“We are a small movement without the resources or training grounds of our competitors,” said Dyolishenko. “But I believe that with hard work and dedication, our performance will really improve in time for the 2018 World Cup.”
