Name: Carleton University
Nickname: Ol’ Cemented and Demented
Motto: The “K” Stands for “Quality”
Founded in 1942, it is said that Carleton was originally built to hide an enormous, subterranean maze of tunnels from the world. Legend has it that in the late 30s Canada’s mad ruler, King William Lyon Mackenzie Lyon William King, had come to possess a horrible creature; half-bull and, worse, half-University of Ottawa student. Parliament’s dark secret was concealed beneath the earth and the centre of the maze became its lair and domain. Occasionally, MPs who forgot to toe the party line would wake up, cold and frightened, at the labyrinth entrance. Thousands of students have passed through Carleton’s walls since then, each naively assuming the tunnels were built to help them get from class to class, never realizing the risk they took each time they set foot underground.
But of course, this is all just a story, right? I mean, it’s not as if one Carleton frosh each year is selected by the administration to enter the tunnels alone and unarmed in a bizarre feeding ritual for an ageless monster?
And even if it was true, how would you prove it?
– Great opportunities for engineering students because construction on campus never ends. The labyrinth must grow.
– Money-laden and corrupt student politics prepare poli-sci majors for the real thing.
– Journalism program has been replaced with the more 21st-century friendly “Clickbait Journalism” program. Learn how to sell your integrity for millions of hits and dozens of cents worth of ad revenue with article titles like: “This middle-eastern warlord slaughtered six hundred women and children in a high-school gymnasium. And then something AMAZING happened”, “17 anteaters who know exactly how you feel about Tom Hiddleston”, and “Meet the ultraconservative Christian pug who wowed audiences when he taught an entire class of special needs children to sing this unbelievable gender-swapped version of ‘Blurred Lines’ that only 90’s kids can truly understand.”
– Carleton is the home of the prestigious CKCU-FM: the first student-run radio station in Canada. What? Radio? It’s this thing where… like… it’s like a podcast that you can’t pause or rewind. Yeah, it’s like an extremely inconvenient podcast.
– The Carleton Ravens basketball team has won 9 championships in 11 years, which is great if you’re one of the six people in this country who even gives a rancid shit about basketball. Fuck basketball. I fucking detest that shit.
– Instead of a meal plan, students are given a gopher-bashing stick and a portable hotplate.
– Only 18% of undergrads will retain their scholarship. You know, the thing that made you want to come to Carleton in the first place.
– Journalism students can only graduate after completion of 500 paper route hours.
– The only way to stop the campus maintenance carts from running you over is to. . . is to. . . uh, actually, let us know if you figure that out.
– Newly revived football program will be paid for by student body lunch money. Dorks.
Did you know?
…The student union almost canceled a cystic fibrosis charity fundraiser because the disease was not multicultural enough?
…That even though the O Train is not what you think it is, it will still give you unbelievable pleasure?
…That the prestigious Faculty of Aerospace Engineering has threatened to launch Dunton Tower into space unless the administration starts subsidizing skyrocketing World of Warcraft costs?
…That CKCU-FM has created a groundbreaking combination of political and drive-time radio, and that it is called Parliament in Focus, with Wild Mutt and Assman in the Morning?
…That despite having one of the country’s best known journalism programs, the only part of the student newspaper anybody reads is the section where they print the drunken ramblings of whoever leaves a message on the paper’s answering machine?
…That the cystic fibrosis thing isn’t a joke? That shit actually happened.
K-OS, “No, like the kind you get from the sea, what’s wrong with you, obviously my song is not about pubic cra-”.
Conrad Black*, A white collar criminal so stupid that he actually got convicted.
Rob Ford, Crack-smokin’, pussy-eatin’, and bike-hatin’ city ruiner (and the worst is yet to be revealed).
Lester B Pearson, Nerd. NEEEEEERD.
*When asked to talk about his years at Carleton, Mr. Black sent us the following statement: “No, I will not give you a comment for your puny, puerile publication. At best it is loathsomely oafish, and at worst it is a pernicious purveyor of perjury.”