TORONTO – Local student Jeff Saunders impressed friends when he refused to use his girlfriend’s lip balm on his severely chapped lips, sources reported Thursday.
Saunders and his girlfriend, Sherry Gould, were out lunching with some friends when, unable to bear the sight of his gory lips any longer, she offered him her Lip Smackers.
“It was getting ridiculous,” Gould said. “His lips were all mangled and bleeding. He was eating a corned beef sandwich, and I just couldn’t take it any more. I couldn’t tell where his lips ended and the sandwich began.”
The condition of Saunders’ lips has been rapidly deteriorating for the past two months, drawing concern from many of his friends.
“It started in early December,” recalled Saunders’ friend Eric Hertz. “You know, it was starting to get cold and dry, and I noticed some signs of chapping. So I suggested he buy some chapstick. But he got pretty pissed off. He was like, ‘Are you trying to insult me, Eric? I thought we were friends.’ It was pretty intense. But that’s Jeff; he’s an intense guy.”
By late December, Saunders’ lips were visibly cracked and would frequently start bleeding. His condition was starting to worry his roommate, Ben Fischer, who would often hear screaming coming from Saunders’ room in the morning.
“Almost every morning I’d get woken up by Jeff’s screaming,” Fischer recalled. “I’d run into his room to see what was wrong, but he would just ignore that anything happened. He would say it was the neighbours or something. But I knew it was his lips. His mouth looked like a smashed asshole, and he couldn’t say his Bs and Ps. I was thinking of sneaking into his room at night to lube up his lips, but that’s kind of dangerous. Who knows what he would have done if he caught me? He can get pretty violent when his manhood is questioned.”
With months of winter left, Saunders is showing no signs of budging on the issue.
When asked why he is so opposed to using lip balm, Saunders offered the following explanation: “Listen. I’m not a sissy, so I don’t use sissy things, okay. My great great great great grandfather never used lip balm in the wilderness of northern Ontario when he was chopping down wood to make his friggin’ log cabin and fighting off grizzly bears and cheetahs and shit. So I certainly don’t need it now.”
