By Amada Sweeps
When it comes to fashion, I’m always ahead of my time, but honestly, I feel like the Gods, or some higher fashion power is stopping me from taking the credit I deserve. Red pants have been in style for a good two seasons now, starting with the casual spring collections, which is, like, fine, except for the fact that I’ve been wearing red pants since 2008 and no one was appreciating it as usual, and then all of a sudden I’m riding on my boyfriend’s motorcycle and a drunk driver sideswipes us and kills him and, like, totally fucking obliterates my legs.
My lawyer keeps telling me that this was a crime of driving while intoxicated, but really, this is a crime against fashion!
Like, red pants, is one thing. But I’ve lost more than just my legs, I’ve lost everything that goes with having legs. I’ve lost the ability to show off my huge collection of pumps, flats and platforms, not to mention my fav casual Sperrys, which I started wearing waaay before Old Navy started flooding the market with their bland nautical themed junk. Not to mention my array of designer socks, from thigh-high, to knee-high, to my cute toe socks that boys love! Ughh! What an asshole! I’d be saying that I hope that driver dies, but like he already did, along with his family, and they were like super white trash anyway, so whatever. But it’s not like there’s any justice in that. I’m never going to be able to buy shoes again! Oh, or toe rings at the beach! WTF!
Some people say that when you lose a limb, sometimes you can, like, feel it there, even though it’s not, and like, it hurts. But I’m having like this weird feeling where my legs should be and, like, I can feel all of these awesome trendsetting items that should be there, but aren’t, and it’s like stuff that isn’t even cool yet. It’s like I have psychic phantom legs syndrome and they’re telling me that lyra bell bottoms will soon be in, or like striped pantyhoes, or like, aquamarine low rise skirts made of a blend of denim and silk. I dunno, I just get this feeling.
But most of all, it’s the feeling of unfairness. All of these other girls just get to walk down the street in whatever they want and don’t even have to think about it. I mean, how are you supposed to match hospital scrubs with an electric wheelchair? Hoop earrings, I guess, but that seems tacky.
And like, maybe I could dismiss this as just the cosmic randomness taking away my ability to trend set forever, and they’re is no meaning to any of the pain that this has caused me. But I feel like I must have done something terrible in a past life because this really reminds me of the time in highschool when artistic nail decals came out and I was the first to get funky diamond designs and then my arms were severed at the elbow in a freak piano moving accident. Ugh, I had to give away sooooo many gloves to Goodwill. Does anybody want some red pants?
