MONTREAL – Comedians exhibit greater sensitivity and sexual stamina according to a new study published by McGill University.
The study ranked sexual performance and partner satisfaction according to profession, and comedians scored highest in every category save for physical attraction.
“Even though the evidence suggests genetic superiority for those able to elicit laughter from friends and complete strangers, we also found that comedians acquired and increased the quality of their love-making skills over time,” said Dr. Simon Burke, head of research on the study.
“The same way the stand-up comedian learns to adapt his routine over many years, constantly retooling his material according to his audience, he applies this same strategy in the bedroom. Over time, he has refined his material to create a one hour love-making set worthy of a T.V. special.”
Burke also noted that comedians are highly sensitive to their surroundings, and have an acute awareness of the mood of their audience or sexual partners, allowing them to better alter their performance in real time.
“What we see in the comedian is someone who possesses a highly developed sense of their own presence, the well-being of those around them, and the objects in the room. On stage, a comedian will quickly notice anything unusual and make witty comments. In the bedroom, the comedian quickly finds objects which can be cleverly incorporated as props into the sexual act.”
“A comedian with the ability to play the audience, handle hecklers, and improvise on his routine also scores really well when paired with multiple sexual partners at one time.”
According to the findings, a comedian is most suited of any professional for threesomes, foursomes, or any number which does not exceed the room’s fire safety code.
The comedian also uses comedy to create sexual tension and increase sexual desire during foreplay.
“Much like birds that sing and puff out their colourful wings to attract mates, comedians use their special skills to attract sexual partners,” Burke said. “The comedian will tell jokes so funny that they can cause a release of endorphins similar in scope to those released during a full orgasm.”
“Usually hearing your partner laugh during sex is the last thing one wants to hear. But people who sleep with comedians seem to laugh for nearly the entire experience and enjoy it.”
When interviewed, one woman commented that, “I love sleeping with comedians. The only problem is that my jaw and mouth are always really sore the next day. From laughing too much.”
Comedians which scored highest in the study are those with training in improvisation, and writers with a knack for word-play, puns, and the ability to write satirical news. Comic mimes and ventriloquists performed particularly low unless they were paired with deranged sexual partners, but both groups exhibited very high proficiency in masturbation.
The study’s release came as no surprise to the medical community, although some have criticized its findings, saying the study does not put enough emphasis on the satisfaction a partner receives from performing sexual favours on comedians.
“The study completely misses the point,” said Dr. Margaret Handlewood, a PhD in sexology and women’s studies at Queen’s university. “While the comedian is able to please a partner better than anyone else, the greatest pleasure comes from giving. My studies have shown that individuals paired with comedians as sexual partners will have much better sex lives if they willingly submit to all their partner’s sexual fantasies, no matter how many props and elaborate role-playing scenarios they are given.”
with files by Amir Ahmed
