TORONTO – Local resident Jeff Saunders impressed onlookers on Hartford Street when he carried fourteen bags of groceries from his car up to his apartment in one trip, sources reported last week.
Saunders spent five minutes preparing for the long trip from the street up to his apartment, trying to hook the loops of the plastic bags over his fingers.
Jamie Madison, a tenant in Saunders’ building, was passing by and offered to help him with his groceries. “I asked him if he needed a hand but he told me to ‘just keep moving,’” Madison said.
“Then I suggested that he do it in two loads, maybe even three; there were a lot of bags. Then he said ‘I thought I told you to keep moving asshole, this is nothing.’ So I left him alone.”
Saunders eventually found a way to carry all of the bags. Facing a four-story climb, he opened the front door, and all the others, with his teeth.
Ed Strachan, longtime friend of Saunders’, says this is not the first time he has tried to carry too many bags. “One time, we were coming back from Dominion with a whole shitload of stuff, and Jeff, as usual, was carrying way too many bags. One of the bags broke and all these groceries fell out. He just left them there. He said he didn’t really want them anyway.”
In the past, Saunders has seriously injured himself while attempting to carry too many bags.
“He’s crazy, man,” says Pete Hamletshend, Saunders’ cousin. “He really goes through a lot of pain carrying those bags, man. I had to take him to the hospital one time. He severed his finger man, ‘cause those little plastic loops were wrapped around his fingers and one of [his fingers] just fell off. I noticed he was walking with this maniacal grimace, and then I saw he was bleeding all over the place. And, you know, he wouldn’t stop. He just kept walking. Dude.”
This incident prompted Saunders to start wearing custom-made leather gloves when carrying groceries.
Cindy Shaefer, Saunders’ ex-girlfriend, has witnessed many of his macho displays during their relationship. “He went out to get groceries for dinner one night and when he came back I saw that the bags were empty,” Shaefer recalled.
“The bottoms had ripped and there were no groceries in them. But he denied it and started pretending to pull stuff out of the bags. He stood at the counter gesturing in the air and put empty pots in the stove and stuff. Then he sat down and pretended to eat food off of an empty plate. I couldn’t go along with it, I had to leave.”
Reporters caught up with Saunders at a Metro on Bloor Street West. When asked why he refused to make two trips with his groceries, Saunders only replied, “I see all these girly sissies making multiple trips with their groceries. I can’t believe how they can be so girly.”