TORONTO – For years Connor McDavid has been seen as the fastest force in hockey but now insiders are wondering whether he has been bested by a new competitor: the sponsors getting away from…
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Tory assures voters he only needs one more term to make Toronto as inhospitable as it is expensive
TORONTO – Running for re-election Mayor John Tory has promised voters that, with just one more term, he can complete his mission to make Toronto just as terrible to live in as it is crippli…
Hockey fans training hard to get into peak trash talking shape
MONTREAL – Local Habs fan Jeff Donoghue says he needs just a few more training sessions before he is in mid-season trash talking shape. “Other off-seasons I’ve kind of let my ga…
Pierre Poilievre hopes to inspire future generations of kids who carry briefcases in high school to enter politics
OTTAWA – Adapting to his role as Conservative Party Leader, Pierre Poilievre is hoping to use his position not just to advocate for his positions but to inspire future generations of kids w…
Friend group excited to spend all of Nuit Blanche trying to find each other
TORONTO – With Nuit Blanche expected to return for the first time since the pandemic, a local group of buddies is excited to spend the whole event unsuccessfully trying to meet up. “It’s go…
“And m’lady will have the McNuggets” says modern chevalier
EDMONTON – A scene straight out of an old-fashioned romance is unfolding at the West Edmonton Mall McDonald’s as a modern knight is ordering his date’s meal for her. “Tell me, do you desire both …
‘Alberta Is Calling’ ads lure Ontarians with chance to live in Province that is fucked up in a slightly different way
TORONTO – Alberta’s provincial government has launched a full court press to convince Ontarians sick and tired of dealing with all the Province’s problems to move to Alberta so …
Closer to Earth than it’s been in decades, Jupiter can’t believe how much Earth has let itself go
THE SOLAR SYSTEM – As Jupiter recently made its closest approach to the planet Earth since 1963, it was shocked and saddened to see how much the only habitable planet in the known universe …
Plants horrified to sit on bookshelf full of their dead processed cousins
SASKATOON — Local plants Natalie and William expressed their horror at having to reside on a structure surrounded by the corpses of their relatives, which have been dried, mulched, flattened, bou…
Liberals drop COVID restrictions now that ‘keeping people alive’ no longer polls well
OTTAWA – The government has announced that, as of October 1st, the border vaccine rules, travel mask mandates and mandatory use of the ArriveCan app will no longer be in force, now that kee…
