TORONTO — Cynthia Johnson was shocked and appalled by the fact that the staff of her favourite local coffee shop were being forced to work on Christmas morning, despite the fact that her being th…
Tag: Featured Post
“I’m worried about how much you’ve been sleeping,” says concerned Santa
OTTAWA – According to local sources, Santa Claus has reached out to 33-year-old receptionist Stephanie Bauer after noticing she’s slept right through the last several weekends. “Ho, ho, ho! You d…
Child abuse? This baby is wearing jeans
VANCOUVER – In a show of parental misconduct that would horrify even the most child-avoidant of people, a baby was spotted in a local cafe wearing jeans. The baby in question, Gerald Culver…
“Counting games in hand we’re only the 2nd worst team in the East,” says Sens fan who picked them to make Conference Finals
OTTAWA – Having earned only 22 points the Ottawa Senators are last in the eastern conference standings. But given their games in hand they’re actually only second worst, as Sens fans …
“Well, that’s not how they do it in Winnipeg,” says man who just returned from Winnipeg
TORONTO – After a recent weekend spent in far-flung Winnipeg, Gerald Skinner is regaling friends and family with tales of life in the exotic international city. “A chicken finger, you say? Intere…
Audience at Shakespeare play guesses soliloquy means “he’s upset about something”
HALIFAX — The audience at Neptune Theatre’s recent production of Coriolanus came to the conclusion that, in the titular character’s soliloquy in Act Four, Scene Four, he’s angry. “He seemed prett…
Housecat painfully aware of how much owner’s mental health is riding on his tummy being so fluffy
WINNIPEG – In a rare display of feline self-awareness, George, an 8-year-old housecat, expressed concern over the fact that his owner Elizabeth’s mental health and happiness seemed to revol…
Most popular Christmas Gifts in each Province
Canadians buy a lot of Christmas Presents. And while most should be from the Beaverton Merch Store, some aren’t. Here is our list of the most popular Christmas Presents in every province. N…
Leafs fake injury to star rookie goaltender to save 750k on the Cap
TORONTO – The Toronto Maple Leafs plan to circumvent the NHL’s Salary Cap continued again last night, with the team staging an obviously fake injury to Joseph Woll in order to save on…
Editorial: Women must date unpleasant men, and we’re not just saying that because we’re unpleasant men
By The Beaverton Editorial Board A spectre is haunting dating – the spectre of women not dating men like us. Dating and marriage used to be simple. A man chose a woman, her father approved,…
