TORONTO – With COVID restrictions cutting into their customer base of ‘people who wandered in drunk because they recognized the orange sign’ Pizza Pizza has announced that they …
Tag: COVID
TTC tells riders who want physical distancing to only ride the Sheppard line
TORONTO – After telling riders physical distancing “will no longer be possible” on its vehicles, the TTC has clarified by pointing out that riders will easily be able to maintai…
Facebook adds new relationship option: “We’re fucking because they’re in my bubble”
Surrey, BC – Facebook has released a new relationship option for users who are fucking because they’re in each other’s bubbles. “It’s great,” said Mark Sanchez, who’s been sleeping with his…
Rent luckily winding down the same time as CERB
OTTAWA – With millions still out of work due to the global pandemic, the federal government is stopping the $2000 Canadian Emergency Response Benefit after learning that rent would also be …
Premier Ford still not convinced flames shooting from neighbour’s house is sufficient evidence to call fire department
TORONTO – Despite heavy smoke and his neighbour screaming “my house is on fire,” Ontario Premier Doug Ford is not ready to call in the fire department. With flames shooting out of the attic…
“I don’t like him, but I gotta say Ford has risen to the occasion” says man to his dead grandmother
TORONTO – While he did not vote for Doug Ford, local man Daniel Waite has confided that he is pretty impressed with his handling of the COVID crisis to the body of his dead grandmother, who…
Friend asking if you’re doing Sober October this year can fuck all the way off
Selkirk, MB – During a recent Zoom hang your friend Matt asked if you will be refraining from drinking this month, because he’s a piece of shit who should shut his shit mouth. “…
Global security threat infects global security threat
WASHINGTON – A dangerous threat to global stability and human health announced he has contracted a dangerous threat to global stability and human health. The deadly pair have ruined nationa…
Experts say new limits on social gatherings a great way to exclude that loser Greg
TORONTO – In response to the spike of Covid 19 cases across much of the nation, provinces are introducing new, stricter limits on the amount of people who are allowed to meet, which many ex…
Group of 14 drinking together at bar claim they are part of same 10 person bubble
Sarnia, ON – A group of 14 people who spent last night drinking and partying in very close proximity to one another say it’s fine because they are all in a 10 person bubble together. …
