TORONTO – Doug Ford has remained steadfast in his claim that if there is a single sign of trouble in regards to COVID, he will shut everything down. “Oh, you don’t want to know how willing …
Tag: COVID
Health Canada convenes emergency press conference to declare you’re doing quarantine wrong
OTTAWA – At a special press conference Health Canada officials, doctors and scientists came together to declare their finding that you specifically are doing quarantine wrong. “As the…
Elon Musk unveils advanced mining drill that goes deep enough to pull his head out from his ass
SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Tesla CEO Elon Musk announced plans for a new thermo-mining drill today that would have the capacity to drill deep enough to pull his head out of his ass. “Today i…
Ford announces new threshold for increasing COVID restrictions will be 1 case more than whatever we currently have
TORONTO – Under fire for changing COVID standards to unsafe levels, Premier Doug Ford has announced a new threshold for when his government will finally impose greater restrictions: exactly…
Comedy industry not sure if it can survive without physical location for sexual predators to thrive
New York, NY – With the closure of more and more comedy clubs and improv theatres due to COVID-19, many experts are wondering whether the industry can survive without brick and mortar space…
Doug Ford vows to find budget cut that will stop COVID
TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford announced on Monday that he will stem the rising number of COVID cases by implementing a strategy that has always worked for his administration in the pa…
Ford: “When I blamed young people for spreading COVID, I didn’t mean my MPPs”
TORONTO – In response to photos of Ontario’s youngest MPP, Sam Oosterhoff, posing indoors in a tightly gathered group of roughly 40 unmasked people, premier Doug Ford explained that althoug…
Baby’s first word is “CRA is experiencing longer than normal call volume…”
MONCTON – Local baby, Margaret O’Connor-Williams, has reportedly uttered “CRA is experiencing longer than normal call volume” as her first word due to her parents having been on hold with t…
Dad reporting daily COVID numbers to family with intensity of Wall Street day trader
TORONTO – For the past couple months, Mohamed Tekin has been diligently reporting daily COVID numbers to his family. However, within the last month, the father of three’s obsession with fol…
Toronto bar enforces occupancy limit by starting open mic night
TORONTO – With the current pandemic requiring businesses to restrict the number of people inside, the management of downtown bar McTavish’s Pub have determined the most natural way to…
