Anybody want to come over this weekend to help me balance the budget?
By Finance Minister Jim Flaherty Hey hey it’s that time of year again! Old J Flarez is throwing another one of his EPIC help-me-balance-the-budget parties. This party is going to be off the…
Phil Kessel injured after successfully making eye-contact with Dion Phaneuf
TORONTO – A smiling but badly injured Phil Kessel was rushed off the ice during a game last night after he managed to sustain eye-contact with teammate Dion Phaneuf. “We all heard a loud sn…
God can’t remember what ‘terrible’ thing He’s supposed to do this year
HEAVEN – Although He knows He’s responsible for doing something really big and terrible this year, God, Almighty Creator of the Universe, can’t remember what it is. “I kno…
Crips leaders accused of insider ganging
COMPTON, LA – Following the release of a tell-all exposé that surfaced earlier this week, leaders of the revered street gang the Crips are under investigation for insider ganging. In the ex…
It’s not always our fault
By Your Genes Well, we’ve been a pretty convenient whipping boy. Always there to take the heat of personal responsibility. You’re 40 pounds overweight, damn. You must have got that fa…
Homophobic doctor dies of prostate cancer
BARRIE, ON – Dr. Frank Lilles, 47, known for his outspoken refusal to take a prostate test, as he perceived the test to be homosexual in nature, died of prostate cancer yesterday. Many in t…
Dozens hospitalized in quest to fry world’s largest beaver tail
GATINEAU, QC – Dozens have been hospitalized in Gatineau county yesterday following a failed attempt to fry the world’s largest beaver tail. Town residents were looking to make the re…
Toronto considers building new casino to raise revenue
The Ontario Lottery and Gaming Corporation claims a casino built within the GTA will bring the city new jobs and billions of dollars, but some critics worry it will only bring social problems. Wh…
